What If's

This is a tearjerker - just be warned.

I have been to so many funerals in my life. Close family members, grandparents, uncles, cousins, friends.

But I think the hardest one I have ever been to was a week before our wedding.

My father’s best friend had passed away after a long battle with Diabetes. He was in my life for as long as I can remember. He was in the band at church with my dad – and in the winter when my dad grew out his beard they were twins. I don’t remember a day when Uncle Brian didn’t have his beard. He was as close as family and I couldn’t go a Sunday without a hug from him.

I think what made it so hard was Aunt Gail. She has been such a huge inspiration to me, even now.

Moments before the funeral began Aunt Gail came up to my mom and I to get and give hugs. She said she understood how hard it must be for us because we must always wonder when it would be my dad’s funeral.

Since then my dad has been doing so well. And we haven’t been to many funerals since then. But all these emotions seem to have come back.

With my dad on the transplant list I wonder everyday if this is going to be day we get the call. When you’re in this situation you try so hard to look at the positive and focus on the positive, but you can’t help but worry about the other side. The what if’s.

One night about a month ago Brian and I were talking about our vacation plans. We were hoping to get a week away in Mexico again to scuba dive and lounge by the pool. And then I had a panic attack! What if my dad gets the call while we’re away? There is no way I could get back in time to see my dad before surgery. And then all the ‘what if’s’ started filling my mind.

It’s hard to think of the what if’s. I have to say I’m over it. I had so many what if’s when I was on bedrest. And again when we were in the NICU.  I guess I’m just over the “what if’s”!

So here’s to not dwelling on them. You may have to remind me to stop some days. Okay?